10 Things to Never Say to a Person with Depression

     There are many lists of platitudes and insults out there so this will not be new information. However, I hope that by reviewing some specific ones, while adding my personal reflections, the friends and families of people with depression will gain a better understanding of why these remarks can be so painful and destructive. I have personally suffered from clinical depression since the age of 8 and have heard statements like these many times. To most people, these are normal responses to life and can, at times, be seen as positive motivators. It may seem odd that they could be taken in such a negative way. Such is the cloud of depression. It acts as a negative filter or magnifying glass to the sufferer. Simple statements like these can feel like a knife in the heart to the person in depression. Even if your intentions are good, these will often times make a person feel worse.

1) Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
    - Not very encouraging when you already feel helpless. This actually increases the "I'm a failure" thought process of many with depression.

2) It’s all in your head.
    - While this may technically be true (due to a chemical imbalance in the brain), it does convey the message that the person's pain is imaginary or an exaggeration of some sort.

3) Just focus on the positive things in life, not the negative.
    - Well... if it were that easy, the person would already be doing that. When having a depressive episode, the pain is so strong that it's difficult to feel good about anything.

4) I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been depressed before too.
    - Worst. Platitude. Ever. Even if you have felt that way before, someone in that much pain does not feel consoled by the comparison.  Experiencing situational depression involves many of the same symptoms but is not the same.

5) You should get out more. Socialize. Hang out with friends.
     - Depression is an odd catch 22. A suffering person longs to be wanted and accepted, yet feels lonely in a crowd of 200 people. 

6) It could always be worse.
    - Although this is true, it's hard to imagine for a person with depression and may drive them further into thinking about suicide.

7) You are selfish and just want attention.
     - While there are some that will use any circumstance to draw attention to themselves, the majority of people suffering from depression are genuinely in pain and agony.

8) You should exercise more.
     - This one is a matter of timing. During a depressive episode, it can take all of your strength just to get up and do daily activities like bathing, eating or going to work. Exercise should be encouraged during recovery periods.

9) Just pray about it.
    - Calling out to God is probably the best thing a hurting person can do. However, your loved one may feel like God isn't helping them because they aren't instantly getting better.  Pray with them and for them.

10) You have to choose to be happy.
       -  When you have a chemical imbalance working against you, among other issues, your emotions are often chosen for you.

On behalf of your loved one that suffers from depression, please think about these types of statements and consider making changes that will better reflect the love and compassion you want to share. Even when saying tough things are necessary, consider the timing and the amount of personal support you are willing to give. Look for my next list - 10 Better Things to Say!

God bless!