Monday, January 20, 2014

10 Things to Never Say to a Person with Depression

     There are many lists of platitudes and insults out there so this will not be new information. However, I hope that by reviewing some specific ones, while adding my personal reflections, the friends and families of people with depression will gain a better understanding of why these remarks can be so painful and destructive. I have personally suffered from clinical depression since the age of 8 and have heard statements like these many times. To most people, these are normal responses to life and can, at times, be seen as positive motivators. It may seem odd that they could be taken in such a negative way. Such is the cloud of depression. It acts as a negative filter or magnifying glass to the sufferer. Simple statements like these can feel like a knife in the heart to the person in depression. Even if your intentions are good, these will often times make a person feel worse.



1) Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
    - Not very encouraging when you already feel helpless. This actually increases the "I'm a failure" thought process of many with depression.
2) It’s all in your head.
    - While this may technically be true (due to a chemical imbalance in the brain), it does convey the message that the person's pain is imaginary or an exaggeration of some sort.
3) Just focus on the positive things in life, not the negative.
    - Well... if it were that easy, the person would already be doing that. When having a depressive episode, the pain is so strong that it's difficult to feel good about anything.
4) I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been depressed before too.
    - Worst. Platitude. Ever. Even if you have felt that way before, someone in that much pain does not feel consoled by the comparison.  Experiencing situational depression involves many of the same symptoms but is not the same.
5) You should get out more. Socialize. Hang out with friends.
     - Depression is an odd catch 22. A suffering person longs to be wanted and accepted, yet feels lonely in a crowd of 200 people. 
6) It could always be worse.
    - Although this is true, it's hard to imagine for a person with depression and may drive them further into thinking about suicide.
7) You are selfish and just want attention.
     - While there are some that will use any circumstance to draw attention to themselves, the majority of people suffering from depression are genuinely in pain and agony.
8) You should exercise more.
     - This one is a matter of timing. During a depressive episode, it can take all of your strength just to get up and do daily activities like bathing, eating or going to work. Exercise should be encouraged during recovery periods.
9) Just pray about it.
    - Calling out to God is probably the best thing a hurting person can do. However, your loved one may feel like God isn't helping them because they aren't instantly getting better.  Pray with them and for them.
10) You have to choose to be happy.
       -  When you have a chemical imbalance working against you, among other issues, your emotions are often chosen for you.

On behalf of your loved one that suffers from depression, please think about these types of statements and consider making changes that will better reflect the love and compassion you want to share. Even when saying tough things are necessary, consider the timing and the amount of personal support you are willing to give. Look for my next list - 10 Better Things to Say!

God bless!

4 comments:

  1. THESE ARE VERBAL COMMENTS.THERE ARE NON VERBAL WAYS TO HARASS A DEPRESSED PERSON.1.GIVE HIM CHAIRS THAT ARE BRITTLE AND HE FALLS DOWN.AND THIS IS REPEATED WITH CHAIRS THAT ARE REPLACED.2. GIVE HIM THE DIRTIEST ROOM FOR ACCOMODATION.3.INDULGE IN FROTTEURISM INSIDE THE BUS. 4.BRANDISH THE UMBRELLA INTO HIS EYES. 5. DRIVE THE VEHICLES VERY CLOSE TO HIM WHEN HE IS OUT FOR A WALK WITH MILD DRUG INDUCED STAGGERING GAIT(OCCASIONALLY). 6. SHOUT AT HIM.7.BANG TH FOOD IN FRONT OF HIM.8.DO NOT ALLOW ENOUGH SPACE TO GET INTO A VEHICLE. 9. NO SEATS FOR HIM WHEN HE IS HAVING ATAXIA WHILE TRAVELLING DUE TO THE CONSTANT ACCELERATION AND DECELERATION AND SHARP TURNS,HE GOES OFF BALANCE.10. SERVING DIRTY FOOD. 11. ASSAULTING HIM.12.SUSPENDING HIM FROM THE JOB FOR MISTAKES COMMITTED BY OTHERS IE MAKING A SCAPE GOAT OUT OF HIM. WHEN THEY GET NO ONE ELSE.

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  2. 13.CHUCKING HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.14.CALLING HIM MAD AND HIS FAMILY MEMBERS MAD.15.ASKING HIM TO GET UP FROM UNRESERVED SEAT AND GIVE IT TO THE LADIES,MIND YOU THE PATIENT IS ON DIVALPROEX,CLONAZEPAM,ESCITALOPRAM.UNFORTUNATELY HE IS ASLO A DOCTOR.16.GOES WITHOUT SEX FOR 13 YEARS,THAT TAKES SOME WILL POWER. 17.WHISTLES INTO HIS EAR,THAT EAR WHICH HEARS THINGS LOUDLY/HYPER ACUSIS. 18.WRITES TO MINISTERS AND GOES AND MEETS TEM AND DISCUSSES THE PROBLEM FACED BY MENTAL CASES,BUT NO RESPONSE.19.MEDIA IGNORES THE MENTAL PATIENTS.20.GOVT DOES NOT SPEND ON PSYCHIATRY SO THE PATIENTS IN THE MENTAL HOSPITALS ARE HANGED TO MAINTAIN THE BALANCE SHEET.NO MONEY,KILL THE PATIENT.21.MONEY MEANT FOR MENTAL PATIENTS ARE ROBBED BY PATIENTS WITH PHYSICAL ILLNESS BECAUSE MENTAL PATIENTS ARE NOT UNITED.22.THEY ARE CHAINED AND BURNED AND NOBODY HAS TO ANSWER BECAUSE THATS HOW IT IS TO BE DONE WHEN YOU WANT TO ELIMINATE THEM FROM THE SOCIETY.23.HE GETS NO ACCOMODATION BECAUSE EVERY PSYCHIATRY CONDITION IMPLIES MADNESS.24.THEY BELONG TO MENTAL INSTITUTIONS AND NOT IN THE FAMILY.25.HE IS FORCED TO GIVE CONSENT FOR A DIVORCE.26.NO DIGNITY IN THE HOUSE OR ANY WHERE.
    THESE SHOULD NOT HAPPEN TO PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION.PEOPLE SHOULD NOT DO THIS BECAUSE ONCE SUCH HAPPENINGS GO ON UNABATED,WE LOSE FAITH IN OUR FRIENDS,KITH AND KIN AND THE SOCIETY WHICH HAS NO FACE AND NO HEAD.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing. Yes, there are many verbal and nonverbal statements that can hurt someone that is dealing with depression. Helping a friend or loved one takes patience and understanding. The best way to gain understanding is to ask them how they feel about the words and actions mentioned. I hope you are doing well my friend.

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  3. NOW WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO REHABILITATE,BY TAKING UP TO GET TRAINED IN AN ONLINE COURSE,THEY HAVE STARTED CHEATING ME OF MY MONEY.PAY MORE FOR NO GOOD REASON OR YOU ARE OUT OF THE COURSE.THIS IS HAPPENING FOR THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME.THE FIRST TIME IT WAS MY OWN FRIENDS WHO CHEATED ME.DRAGGING THIS MATTER TO THE COURT WILL COST ME MORE MONEY OR THEY MAY NOT RESPOND AT ALL.

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